“If you stand against the wall, we don’t know where the wall ends and your ass begins!” said my “best friend” from elementary school, making me the butt of her jokes once again. At the time I was a chunky girl whose weight went directly to my stomach, which was always bigger than my hips, making my ass flat as a pancake. Since quitting school was not an option, I consulted my mom who assured me that when I got older my shape would fill out. In junior high things got worse when the captain of the basketball team crushed me: “I don’t date girls who ain’t got no booty.” By high school, I had decided that no one would ever tease or discriminate against me again so I tied a jacket around my waist every single day and even wore a special blinged-out version to the prom.
Gotta love my mom
It was also during high school that my mom broke down and told me the truth. I had inherited The Flat Ass Curse that had been in my family for generations. My mom had it and so did my grandmother. My aunts had it and so did my cousins. Even the dogs had it. The only way to beat The Curse was to have a flat stomach. Damn. The reason I had a pouch in the first place was because I LOVED food. Eating two sweet potato pies in one sitting was no biggie. So I turned to bulimia, which helped for a while, but I had to quit when my periods stopped and my hair fell out. However, the one thing that I always clung to was that one day I would meet a wonderful Prince who would love me for me. Imagine my complete devastation when I married that Prince and even he sat me down: “I love you, honey, but try to keep your stomach under control because otherwise it messes up your profile.” Nooooooooooo! Not him too! At first I tried guilting him into believing he was just being vain, but the truth is it’s hard when everywhere you turn there is another famous ass. Amber Rose is the new supermodel, Kim K. is today’s Marilyn Monroe and CoCo, well, I just can’t have a conversation about fat asses and not mention her. So the question is what do I do? Pump my backs full of cement and meat chunks in a dingy hotel room, get my stomach tucked or do the freakin’ Brazilian Butt Lift every day for the rest of my life?
As with most things, I depend on trusted friends.
First up is X. Since booties are almost a religion for brothers he’s all over the conversation, getting lost in it. Talking about hip hop’s early backspoitation with songs like LL Cool J’s Big Ole Butt and Sir Mix a Lot’s Baby Got Back. Then crediting porn star John Stagliano’s videos, The Adventures of Buttman, with influencing popular culture. He was about to go further when I stopped him- “Yo’ X, that’s all good, but the question was would you date a flat ass?” He says he wouldn’t date someone with a concave ass, but he would date someone with a small ass- which I assume is his polite way of saying he wouldn’t date a flat ass. Then he got himself out of it by giving me the number of his Caucasian buddy, Andy, who he says dated a girl with a concave ass. In fact, he says Andy only dates Asian girls. “First,” Andy says, “it’s not true, Sue Ha did not have a concave ass, and it wasn’t that flat.” He also says, “It’s a misconception that white boys don’t like nice asses. All men do.” Damn. Can’t even go white!
Okay, it’s time to get a totally fresh perspective. Surely, my friend Djakaridja who comes straight from the Motherland and has probably seen so many big asses that they don’t even phase him anymore, can tell me that I’m making too much of this. To my astonishment, he speaks of Iron-On Asses. A term they use back in Africa to describe a booty so flat it looks like it’s been pressed on with an iron. WTF! Flat backs in Africa? It’s a global curse! But as the conversation continues, it’s clear that his idea of flat backs and mine is quite different. He references Abina, an African model we both know, as having a flat ass when clearly her booty is round, so I get off the phone because talking to him only makes me feel worse. And confused.
I didn’t want to go there but now I must. It’s time to call my nemesis. A girl with a booty so big and round it was banned from King Magazine. Surely, she can shed some light on this subject. Perhaps there is something I just can’t see.
“Hi Sach.”
“Hey girl.”
“How does it feel to have a big booty?”
“Hunh?”
“Do big asses have more fun?”
“Girl, have you seen the asses out there now? Mine ain’t even big no more.”
Say it ain’t so! If she’s now the poster child for small cakes then things have gotten really bad and I might as well just shoot myself in the head. Okay…before I do that there is one last person to call. Es is Korean and rocks a pancake flatter than mine and is still the most confident woman I know.
“Es, how do you live with a flat booty?”
“What?”
“Doesn’t it ever bother you?”
“Listen, I know the stereotype about Asian girls not having asses, and it’s true, but mine is above average, so I don’t know what to tell ya.”
Damn, she doesn’t even know that her ass is flat?!
Wait a minute…
X thought Sue Ha was concave; Andy didn’t.
Djakaridja thinks that Abina is flat, but I don’t.
Sach thinks her ass is small; that’s flat out crazy.
And now Es thinks she’s a video vixen!
WTF is going on!!!
Ohhhhhhhhhh! I get it.
Booty is in the eye of the beholder!!!
By Erickka Sy Savané
So, is a flat booty the ultimate curse for a black girl, or any girl?
BITCHES BREW BLOG 
Finally the flat booty girl gets her day! Booty like besuty is in the eye of the beholder.
Gurrrrrl you write the best blogs
Its the ultimate curse for a black girl. We are expected to bring the booty to the table. Our culture has done nothing but hype that stereo-type up. So you’ll always hear ‘wow you have a flat butt for a black girl’.
lkr. It is really a self conscious thing with me.
Had a tummy tuck and that didn’t help. I wish i could get my stomach transposed to the rear. No pill or exercise is going to help.. fhlat @ 58. This is my life. BUT i still would have the surgery if i could get it.
Awwwe, I honestly, hate to hear that you’d have the surgery because it seems so drastic. For me, I really have decided that there are flatter asses than mine so I can live with it. And really, there is always someone worse, lol! And I think if we come out of hiding, stop feeling so ashamed, we could just accept it,
and move on.
Lmao you have me at work rolling !! That is so funny because when my friends tell me they wished they had my backside I’m all but you haven’t seen the behinds I have lol. Appreciation of what curves or lack thereof is key.
Agreed:)
This is so effing funny–I thoroughly enjoyed it! Great post, well done 😉
This post made my day…I was rotfl :-)…It’s about time! Here’s my response that I posted on curlynikki:
Well for years my friends have pleasantly reminded me that I have no booty…in fact what they used to say is that I’m shaped like a “white girl”…although I must say that since we are talking about butts, that no longer seems to apply as in recent y ears I’ve seen plenty of white girls with “black girl” butts! So now I don’t necessarily fit into that category either! While I also don’t understand the male preoccupation with big butts (or breasts or many other things for that matter!), I can agree and admit from a purely aesthetic point of view that a little booty isn’t a bad thing. However the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the more bootyful side as many of my girlfriends who “got it” complain incessantly about having to either have their clothes tailored or the process of finding jeans being a nightmare or just not always liking the feeling of being the object of the leers of random men. In a sense, they struggle with wanting to “fit” into the more mainstream of idea of what “beautiful” is and judging by the illusions we see on magazines and on runways, that isn’t necessarily “bootyful” either. Bottom line: your body is your body, booty or not and as long as it’s healthy and functions in the way it’s supposed then sprinkle on some confidence and that trumps having a big or small booty any day. I had to shut out those negative comments. As a black woman I figured I didn’t need yet another thing to make me feel like I wasn’t beautiful. I embrace my small / or flat booty and when I wear my clothes I hold my head high and strut like nobody’s business because i feel good about myself inside and out! I love me and that means loving all parts of me. I’m not opposed to making what you already have look better (if in fact that is what you want) but I’m a bigger proponent of accepting yourself (perceived flaws and all) and allowing that inner radiance and self love and acceptance to shine through so people will at the end of the day focus on that, and not your booty!!
Amen, well-said and thanks for sharing! And it’s true that we don’t need anything else to make us feel bad. Hope to see you back!
LOL, I have a ‘long-back’ too, (as Ive read Nicole Richies referred to), my cousins called it my back with a crack *smh* I am gonna try squats though, and wheat avoidance to lose the accompanying tummy.
LMAO!