THE SNIPER

It’s not often that you drink alone. No, that’s not true. You don’t smoke alone. It makes you paranoid. And your mind stays locked on the same thought over and over as if you could break it down to a single molecule. Then two hours later you’re left wondering who the hell cares and…oh wait, you digress…

So you’re sitting at home sipping on a pretty generous-sized glass of straight Jamaican Rum, feeling as if you’ve smoked because your mind won’t let go of a question that has been plaguing you for the past few weeks. It involves Mr. Wonderful, your guy of three months. In a nutshell, he is the most patient, honest, attentive, and open man you’ve ever dated. The fact that he is 6’3 and gorgeous doesn’t hurt either. For the first time ever, you’re able to wear 3-inch heels without feeling like the Jolly Green Giant; and speaking of big proportions, you think he may be packing. Though you haven’t actually had sex (you’re waiting for the right time), you did get quite a handful during a steamy make out session on your couch. However, now it looks like you may never have your moment between the sheets because as wonderful as he is there is one major drawback…he’s broke. You’ve known this for some time, but it’s only now that you’ve started to really like him that it has become a serious issue. Take tonight for example, you had dinner at one of his favorite Japanese restaurants and when the bill came you could tell that he needed help like Paris Hilton needs attention, yet he refused to split the check. It wasn’t the first time that this had happened. He gets an A for effort, but the bottom line is he is an aspiring artist who waits tables for a living, so he doesn’t have it like that. And it’s not like his work isn’t good, it’s excellent, but painters usually don’t start making dough until they’re dead, and unfortunately, you can’t wait that long to settle down. Furthermore, if he’s getting stopped here at dinner what about your dreams of traveling the world and enjoying the finer things in life? It’s so teens and early twenties to date a man who is financially challenged. Back then, the future wasn’t important so all it took was to be cute for a guy to get it. Today, you’re a grown-ass woman with needs, so your man has to be on point.

You gave Mr. Wonderful an opportunity to save the relationship this evening when you asked him about his backup plan in case this art thing doesn’t pan out. You were hoping he’d say that he was considering going back to school, real estate, teaching- even sanitation would have been better than, “There is no plan B. I have to make it.” Shit, he’s going for it so you can either ride or get off the train. Sadly, it’s a trip that you can’t afford to take. With therapy giving you a whole new sense of priorities, it would be crazy to slip back into the same pattern of dating men that you know lack long-term potential. (Been there, done it, got the t-shirt and the broken heart.) This isn’t going to be easy, but you’ve got to end this before it gets any deeper.

In one big swallow, you toss back the remaining rum in your glass and pick up the phone to call him. Waiting for the perfect time to act once your mind is made up has never been your strong suit. The clock on the wall reads 1:18am, so he’s got to be wondering why the late night phone call. “You want me to come over, don’t you?” he says, sounding sweeter than brown sugar. Oh, this is going to be harder than you thought. You take a deep breath. “Listen, I want you to know that I like you a lot and you’re a great guy, but I can’t date an artist. I’ve thought about it a lot and I know I need someone with some stability. I wish you the best with everything and I hope we can still be friends.”

As you wait for a response, your focus shifts to the sudden churning in your stomach. It’s also gotten really hot in your apartment. You think about opening a window, but decide that it would make too much noise. The last thing you want is for him to think that you’re doing something like house cleaning while having this conversation. But it really is getting hot. Finally, he says, “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind so I guess there’s nothing for me to say.”

“Okay then, I’m going to get going. I really do hope we can stay friends,” you say on your way to the bathroom to puke up your liver.

Day 1

It’s 9:30am and you feel as if the whole world has been lifted off your shoulders.

As you get dressed and begin to make some tea, you think about how he would have called by now to wish you a good day and to see what your plans were for later. It was something that he’d been doing since you first met. Some mornings, when you were still asleep you’d act annoyed, but he’d keep right on talking. He knew you liked talking to him every single day. Anyway, enough about Mr. Wonderful because right now he’s Mr. It-Was-Fun-While-It-Lasted and did you already say that this breakup was for the best?

Day 2

He’s been on your mind. A lot. And well, you were wondering how he’s doing since you know he was expecting this breakup like someone expects to be robbed at gunpoint in a police station, so you called his cell this morning and left him a message and he hasn’t called you back yet. He usually returns your calls even if it means ringing your phone at 1am in the morning. You hope he’s not playing games.

Day 3

Do not call him again.

It wouldn’t change anything anyway. Today you walked into a Taco Bell to get some bean burritos and all you could think of were the days spent ordering them with him. He was the only guy who seemed to enjoy refried beans as much as you do. You got the nachos instead.

Day 4

It rained today and you had to use the umbrella that he left at your place.

Day 5

“I know I made the right decision, but why do I feel like shit!?” you ask your therapist, Carole LaBar.
Though you haven’t seen her for months (following a year of weekly appointments it was time to fly the coop in order to apply what you’ve learned), she’s the only person you trust to sort out this mess. After all, it was sitting on this couch, telling her everything from your first kiss to your last sexual encounter that enabled you to do the kind of self-reflection that it takes to start a new life. So when she says, “There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who is financially stable, but is this your way of getting out of yet another relationship?” you want to scream, “Bitch, you don’t know me!” But you know she does.

If you had a penny for every time Carole was right his income wouldn’t matter because you’d be rich. It does, however, seem a little far-fetched that you would use his income as a way to get out of this relationship. Most people would agree that you’re right in wanting a man who can take care of you.

Hmmm…that’s not really what you mean because you already take care of yourself. You’re not rich, but you do well enough to maintain a lifestyle that is comfortable, and you’ve never been late on any of your bills. So what you mean is a man who is making serious dough. Wait…that doesn’t sound right either because money without love… Ugh, this whole issue of men and money is starting to feel very familiar…

The Banker was the first man you dated who was making cheddar- actually, at almost five million dollars a year make that smoked Gouda from Holland. After a few years of hanging out with guys who could barely spring for aMcDonald’s Happy Meal, it was a welcome change. You went to five islands in one year, spent time overseas, and dined at fancy restaurants three to four times a week. It would have been perfect except that it lacked key elements like support, sexual attraction and sensitivity. In the end, you got a man with money and nothing more. There was also another major problem with dating The Banker that still bothers you to this day. It came with a price. Since you didn’t make a fraction of his income, he had a relationship rule that he would pay for all of the entertainment, however you would have to “pull your end.” That meant washing his dirty draws (though he had a maid), cooking dinner (though you hadn’t a clue), and getting him lunch (even if you were already doing something), all while having your own apartment and paying all of your own bills.

Thinking about it today, you realize that you went along with this because you liked the security. Though he never came out and gave you money, you knew that you could break glass in case of financial emergency. Ultimately, you were forced to decide how important security actually was when he pushed his luck by asking to have sex with your best friend. That night, you decided to sleep in your own apartment and never looked back.

It’s funny how the mind works because you almost got away with this one. You were clever enough to build a very good case against Mr. Wonderful based on him not having enough money when the truth is you could give a flying shit about what’s in his bank account. What matters most is how he treats you and so far he has been on point. Your best friend Mia actually said that she would stop talking to you if you blow this. You felt that he was a keeper when he read your writing work for the first time and offered insightful feedback- most guys don’t even bother. And since you’re being honest, you admire the way he’s going after his art with do-or-die passion. It was that mentality that got you out of your dead end small town and moved you all the way to New York City on your quest to becoming America’s next top model. You never had a Plan B so why should he? There are so many things you like about this guy and so much more you want to know. It can’t end like this. Not now. Let’s try this again.

“Hello.”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Hi.”

“How you doin’?”

“I’m good.”

“Can we talk?”

“We’re talking aren’t we?”

“Yea, I guess we are. Listen, I want us to continue dating.”

“What?”

“I know I seem to be all over the place, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I want to give this another try.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you.”

Because you miss me?

“Yea. What do you think about that?”

“I think you were very clear the other day when you said you didn’t want to see me anymore. Nothing has changed…I haven’t hit the lottery. So the best I can do is wish you luck. I gotta go.”

“Wait, can’t we talk about this some more?”

“You said everything you needed to say the other day. Look, I don’t want to be rude, but I really do have to go.”

Damn. That wasn’t the answer you expected. You need a minute…

Day 6

Some things are worth fighting for. That is why you called Mr. Wonderful this morning and told him that you had to see him today. There must have been something in your tone that let him know that he wouldn’t have a moment of peace unless he met with you, so he agreed to meet you at the entrance to Central Park.

He showed up wearing his serious face. It was the first time you’d seen it, and well, it was a little off-putting, but did you expect him to be holding an I Love You sign? As you walked into the park, you thought about the many times you’d strolled hand in hand down that very same path. Now there seemed to be an ocean between you and simple questions like, “So how have you been?” seemed to be loaded with double and even triple meaning. Finally, unable to take it any longer, you began to say everything you’d been holding back. You told him that you never felt worthy of his attention and in many ways ended the relationship because it was easier than allowing yourself to believe that it could actually work out, and that in the short time you’ve known him he’s become your best friend and you were sorry for hurting him but you were scared, and you know that he has no reason to trust that you won’t freak out again but all you can say is that you want to be here and you want to do this and you feel in your heart that there is something special between you, and he has to give you another chance.

The hardest part was hearing him express his disappointment in discovering that you were just as shallow and materialistic as a lot of the women that he’d worked so hard to avoid. But then he says, “Okay, I want to believe you,” and just like that, it was back on again- no bells, no whistles, no violin. It was the second time in a week that you felt a weight being lifted. As you continued to walk along the path, he reached for your hand and it occurred to you that you were still scared, however this time it won’t stop you from taking the next step.

Erickka Sy Savané