GROWING PAINS

It’s a beautiful spring evening and you and your guy of five years are kicking it at home with some champagne, toasting to the fact that you’ve just moved into a bigger apartment; and though money hasn’t been exactly plentiful, finances are definitely picking up. It’s a welcome change from what has felt like two years of life ripping you and your man a new asshole. It was the type of beating that could either make or break a relationship. Fortunately, it made yours stronger. Just as you’re taking your next sip of bubbly he looks you in the eye and says, “I’m about to start growing even more and I hope you’ll come with me.” “Huh?” He repeated, “I’m about to start growing even more, and I hope you’ll come with me.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he trying to tell you something because what you hear is, “I don’t want to outgrow you,” and who hasn’t heard of a relationship failing because someone outgrew the other, and shouldn’t you have the choice to grow because you choose and not because of pressure from him?

Okay, one could argue that at least your man is telling you upfront that he is about to accelerate his growth, and if by that he means try new things, that’s nothing new. Some months ago he started eating only raw vegetables. Though you didn’t jump on board right away, in time you adjusted to his way of eating bean sprouts, nuts, and enough greens to keep you regular for a lifetime. In fact, you feel healthier than ever. There was also the breathing technique he learned from an online website to help him with his sinuses. It was hard to imagine that something so random could actually aid you with yours, however, as he shared what he’d learned, your sinuses cleared up to the point that you could stop taking medicine. Honestly, you’ve liked most of the things that he’s introduced you to, and your life has been more colorful and adventurous because of him.

But you can’t help but wonder if by ‘growing even more’ he means that he is about to get radical. It’s alarming because just recently a friend discovered that her boyfriend of a few years had been drinking his own urine as part of a health cleanse, but chose not to tell her, even though she’d asked him about the pungent, almost chemical odor reeking from his breath in the mornings. It took him a whole month to confess, and that was only after another friend shared that he had been drinking his own urine. (Were you the only one not doing it?) They didn’t break up, but it was a blow to your friend for a few reasons. One, that her man didn’t tell her because—in his own words—he didn’t think she’d understand. And two, because it showed just how different they could be. Maybe it’s true that she would have considered him crazy for sipping urine cocktails, however, she still would have liked to know. Keeping it a secret made her feel that they weren’t as close as she thought they were.

At least you can respect your guy’s honesty. Yet, there’s still something bothering you.

A year ago, a friend tried to get you to attend a self-help seminar. After attending an introduction meeting you decided that the company’s don’t-take-no-for-an-answer approach to getting people to sign up was a real turn-off, and you decided not to take the course. When you told your guy about your negative experience he was even more certain that it wasn’t for him. Yet, that changed when another friend shared her miraculous results from the course, and now your guy has admitted to being interested, which pisses you off. Thinking about it, your issue isn’t that he changed his mind about the course, but that you became interested as well and didn’t have the balls to tell him. Actually, your problem is not that he’s talking about accelerating his growth, but that you haven’t been accelerating yours!

While he embraces new things, you avoid them like an Abba record. Case in point, you never dated guys shorter than you because you felt people would laugh, you barely dated outside of your race because you thought people would get angry, after spending $950 on a hair weave you took it out a week later because you feared everyone knew it was fake and was, therefore, calling you fake, and you never went public about wanting to attend the self-help seminar because you figured everyone would consider you weak for changing your mind. How can you grow if you’re not willing to put yourself out there and take responsibility for what you want?

Yes, it feels like your man is pushing you a bit, but someone has to. Otherwise, two years from now you’ll be the only person on myspace! You shouldn’t want to be the same person as 5 years, five months, or even five days ago. Now, of course you hope that your relationship will withstand and even benefit from whatever new experiences you decide to take on, because truthfully, sometimes people do grow in different directions, however not growing is simply no longer an option.

Your man taps your shoulder. “Did you hear what I said?”

“Oh, that’s great,” you say. “Did I tell you that I’m going to take that self-help seminar?” Lifting your glass in the air, you toast, “to growth!”