BABY BABY!

“Can.    We.    Go.     Get.     Some.    Ice.    Cream?” he asked in a small voice that reminded you of your little four-year-old cousin J.J. And it wasn’t the first time that he’d done this.

Since you began dating over a month ago, this miniature personality seemed to be appearing with more and more frequency, and at the oddest times. Frankly, you’re confused. Just how are you supposed to respond? Scolding mother? “No, you can’t have any ice cream because you haven’t eaten your vegetables!” With tenderness? “Sweetie-pie, you can have whatever you want. That’s a good boy.” Sexual? “I got something for you to eat, but you gotta wait till we get home.” Do you join in? “Yay! Ice cream! Ice cream!” This behavior wouldn’t be a surprise if you’d met him sucking his thumb on a playground, however, your first encounter with him couldn’t have been more different. You were writing a profile on powerful record executives and he was on your list of people to interview. Since he was new to New York from Atlanta, you weren’t familiar with him, but damn, he sure knew how to make an impression: 6’4 inches tall, dreadlocked, and oozing with confidence, he was the type of guy that you wanted to get to know long after the ink on your article had dried. Just recently, you were observing one of his meetings, pretending to take notes, but secretly dreaming about what it would be like to have him take you right there on the conference room desk. It’s a fantasy that you’re sure Michele Obama has probably played out in the Oval Office; and who could blame her? A powerful man is sexy, whether he runs a company, the local basketball team or the bedroom. So it’s understandable that this shift from Superman to super baby is more than a little disconcerting. But the real question is what do you do about it? Do you tell him that his baby talk is a turn-off, do you ignore him and hope that he stops or are you making a big deal out of nothing?

When thinking of telling him that his behavior is about as sexy as watching Kobe Bryant take a dump, the first thing that comes to mind is that you’d probably crush his feelings. It’s a scenario that you know all too well from when you were dating the sexy model with the bad underarm odor. The first time he showed up to your place smelling like he’d run a marathon in a ski suit you decided to let it slide (it was a hot day). But the second and third time made it increasingly tough to ignore, especially since the smell was giving you a headache. But how do you tell someone they stink? You decided to subtly ask him what brand of deodorant he used. From there you suggested that he try another brand because, you know, bodies change and something that used to work may not work any longer. He said that he would, however, he showed up again on the next date with piping hot armpits. When asked about it he said that he was indeed using a new deodorant. WTF! At this point, you had to let it go and pray for a miracle, since being the deodorant police was getting uncomfortable. What you weren’t expecting was him to suddenly end the relationship, claiming that he was no longer attracted to you. You realized too late that it was a major crush to his ego to hang out with a girl who was constantly reminding him of his rancid body odor, and he couldn’t take it. So naturally, it makes you more cautious when it comes to being brutally honest with this guy. The truth is you could scare Mr. Record Exec. away by addressing this baby talk (BT) thing. But is it possible to stay silent and still be comfortable? Another concern is where does it end? If unaddressed could he totally revert to a childhood version of himself, one day taking it to the bedroom, making you, in turn, feel like a freakin’ child molestor?!

So the question remains…What to do? What to do?

You reach out to a friend, Azia, to see if she can offer some advice. In her late thirties, she’s had more dating experiences than most women you know. Ironically, she went through a very similar situation with her guy, who at thirty-six years old, had a habit of speaking in what she calls his ‘repulsive baby voice.’ She tried ignoring it, but after two years it became clear that he wasn’t about to stop. Finally, when he began using it right in the middle of an intense argument, she screamed, “Why are you using that stupid baby voice?!” And like an abused child, he answered, “It’s me at five years-old.” “Well, I’m not interested in dating the five year-old you! It’s been two years and she has enjoyed a relationship sans any remnants of BT. Her advice: “Don’t torture yourself by waiting. Nip it in the bud early.”

She’s got a point. But then there’s that nagging question in the back of your mind that keeps asking if you’re making too much of this. Maybe BT is just his way of escaping what feels like an all too serious life. Everyday he goes to a company and is responsible for a whole department so maybe his relationship is the one place where he can relax and let someone else take charge. A dominatrix friend shares stories of powerful men who come to her to be told to drink milk out of a dog bowl while barking on their hands and knees. They simply want to be dominated for a change. So it’s totally possible that your guy just wants to play. Perhaps he’s tapped into something that makes life a lot more fun and the only way to know is to go there too. Wait a minute; you do have a friend who has full-on BT conversations with her man. It always seemed bizarre that they’d communicate in childlike voices about everything from getting the car fixed to what to eat for dinner. When you speak to her about it she says that she loves communicating in BT with her man because it’s an intimacy that only the two of them share.  She also feels it’s their way of nurturing one another. (Have they ever heard of massage?) When asked if he seems less masculine because of it, she says, “No. I like seeing his vulnerable side.” Ultimately, she suggests that you loosen up and embrace your inner child because it could bring the two of you closer together.

You’re walking through the park on a Sunday evening, after having just seen a movie with Mr. Record Exec, when he says in his miniature voice, “I  think   it’s   time   for   me   to   go   home   cause   I  have   a   long   day   tomorrow.”

You say, in your best mini-me voice, “Aw,   I   wish   you   could   hang   out   longer.”

He says, still in character, “We   can   hook   up   tomorrow.”

You say, “Promise?”

He says, “Promise.”

Later that evening, you reflect on the exchange and realize that it felt about as natural as eating fried snake. Thinking about it, the reason it didn’t work is because it feels too intimate in this early getting-to-know-you stage. Surprisingly, it is something that you could possibly entertain, later, once you’re a couple, as there was something (for lack of a better word) sweet about the whole thing. However, right now it just doesn’t feel right.

Moving forward, you’ve decided to let it be. Hopefully, he won’t kick the BT into overdrive now that you’ve participated, but you don’t see the need in having a whole sit-down conversation about it. Who knows, if the relationship keeps progressing you may find yourself naturally speaking his language. Love has a funny way of having people do things they never thought they’d do. -By Erickka Sy Savané